I started writing this post about an hour ago, which was the first point in the day that I had enough energy to put words in order. I had a great day yesterday, and I knew I’d be tired today. I just didn’t think I’d be this tired. These crutches are great; they let me move faster, closely approximate a normal walking gait, and feel much more normal. And I’m ready to feel normal. I’m tired of getting worn out so fast, of not being able to carry things, of having it be difficult to make a bleeping bowl of cereal. I’m tired of looking at messes I can’t clean up, knowing there’s work to do that I don’t have energy to deal with, and having to ask people to do things for me. I want to be able to meet Michael someplace, offer to drive home when he’s tired, or just sweep the damn floor when I want to.
I was just making the aforementioned bowl of cereal – yes, I’m having breakfast at 1:30 pm – when I knocked over a pepper shaker, sputtered a little bit, and then blew up at Michael when he asked me what was wrong. Nice.
I know that all I need is rest. I just don’t feel like resting any more. I am tired of taking it easy. And I guess now is when I get to remember that this healing process is not on my timetable. I get to take cues from my body, respond to it and challenge it, but I don’t get to dictate to it. I have to take this step by step. I can try to jump a few steps, and I might even make it – but it will take me time to adjust to the new elevation.
I don’t regret pushing myself a little bit yesterday. It was great to get out and get moving, and I definitely located my physical and mental limits.
Since yesterday WAS a good day, here are a couple of photos and some excerpts from the blog entry I was writing earlier:
“We started with a visit to Bill Kaufman, our pedorthist who is making both Michael and I sandals with built-in orthotics. We got our arches fit, gabbed a bit, and then went next door to Sweet Blessings for coffee and to split a tasty homemade cinnamon roll. I also picked up a frosted sugar cookie, as these are Sweet Blessings’ specialty and I’d yet to try them. These cookies are popular for good reason! Yum. Anyhow, I picked a baseball -shaped cookie and saved most of it, as I was in the mood to try a Redwings game in the evening.
But on the way home, we had to drive right past the Riesling Festival in Canandaigua. After much debate with myself about whether I’d get too tired out, I decided to say to hell with it! I was tired of being careful; I decided to try it. I didn’t want to stay for long, just check out the festival, walk a bit, and maybe find that pair of earrings Michael was due to get me after last month’s bet. What a great time! Was on my feet for probably an hour, got around pretty smoothly, if slowly. It’s funny; I feel like I’m flying on these crutches, and I consistently was gathering crowds behind me. I kept having to pull over to let people past. We did find some nice earrings.
And yeah, I was tired. Went home, got some lunch, and parked it for a few hours. Then it was time to head out for the baseball game. We were both dragging a little bit, but I really wanted to try the game, just to get out and do something. I called the box office, and they got us tickets in the handicapped section just a little bit past first base.
Got there, crutch-walked in, sent Michael for veggie burgers and then for condiments (twice…I think I can be high-maintenance sometimes), and watched the game. Michael’s mom had given me a scorekeeping book, which was fantastic. Really helped me keep track of the game, and it was fun to talk about strategy with Michael, who had played catcher for UC Boulder while he was doing his grad work. I’d kind of always thought that everyone was just trying to hit the ball and then whatever happened, happened. Really cool to hear about the tactics that are happening within the teams. ”
Anyway, got home just before I turned into a pumpkin, and slept for a solid 10 hours. I will take it easy today. Not much choice about it. I’ll do some stretching, try to massage some soreness out of my not-used-to-walking muscles, maybe do an easy round of PT exercises. And probably most importantly, I’ll take lots of deep breaths and lay off the throttle a bit. There will be a time to fire up; just not today.